13silhouettes

This past week has been shit.
This whole year so far has kinda been that way, but this week really brought out the local shittiness...
Im tired of this town, and immature people who have nothing better to do than try and bring me down with them...
they are too good at what they do.
My mind keeps wondering from past times to present and it keeps me feeling pretty lost...
Yea, not feeling very hawt...
I'm doing pretty good at hiding it though..
its useless.
Trying to fix broken humans.
Its just stupid that i cant be happy when they arent.
I need to get out of this place, clear my head alittle bit, something.
Sometimes i feel compleatly insaine.


P.S. -School is killing me i think.

-Miss[effing]Amanduh.

Ive lost it, ive lost all.
Im blank.
Im empty.
I feel completely useless.
I feel dirty.
I feel everything that is nothing.
He did things with my Ex Bestfriend.
I didnt know.
If i had i wouldnt have ever fallen for him.
I wouldnt have even looked at him the way i have.
I wouldnt have let it come to this.
I wouldnt have miss used the code of all women alive.
I am a bad person.
I am lost.
I am BROKEN.
But somehow its not even my fault...



Cellar Door

I have come to realize that there is life outside of my comfort zone and far far beyond yours as well.
Sometimes horrible things have to happen to even out the great that once took place.
Sometimes forever is the shortest time period in existence, or so it seems.
But there will always be new love waiting for me outside this shell.
I write my soul mate letters just about everyday enriching my hope that he’ll come tiptoeing this way and not be so damn lost.
You know, I know he will.
I close my eyes and imagine laying beneath the stars on the 4th of July, just as I have in the past, yes, it was perfect, even with those pesky mosquitoes.
Im a dreamer and it was something I was born into without a choice.
It’s like having an extra layer of skin that I don’t notice until nightfall when the stars begin to pierce through that blanket beyond the clouds.
I can be cold and heartless, and I say I don’t regret it but I secretly do.
I feel like religion wouldn’t be a bad thing to learn, maybe it would feed my curiosity some, but this dieing hunger inside doesn’t have enough will power to direct me, and without direction im easily fucked.
I try to be cute but it comes out to be a sloppy and flaky mess.
Sometimes I use clichés like: “it’s better to have love and lost than never loved at all”, and I believe them full heartedly.
But you, friendly stranger, who are you, and did you not just wash up on the same beach as myself?
What gives you the clout to change what I am?
I don’t see a third leg or anything too anomalous.
As of now I’ll try and just glide past your intuitions that smother mine, but someday I’ll leave.
Yes, you know I’ll leave.
There will always be new love waiting for me outside this shell.


<3
Miss Effing Amanda

Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature.

We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.

He quoted Tom Robbins when the time came to talk of love...
"When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on - series polygamy - until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter."
--Tom Robbins
...And i believe he did it just because he himself is scared that the word "love" might acutally exist somewhere in this world...
It drives me incredibly nuts to see this person so distant from something that i dont have... but he wont stick around to watch me turn out my pockets...he just runs from his crushes, praying that if he leaves before she has time to speak, crushes is all they will be... and then someday she will die down and the viscious cycle will then again begin with someone new...perhaps a dancer.
I am just in awe at how he beleieves in nothing but what he is able to see...
how love to him is just i sickness formed in a unsure mind...
I cant deside weather to be confused by his mixed signals, first green then red.
I'm done.
If he doesn't believe, than I cant wait.

The weekend has just fucked with me... i'm incredibly sleep deprived, and i'm eating like crazy as if i should be PMSing only I most deff shouldnt be...TMI... anyhow.. i've desided a few things:

1: I'm done making moves on guys that dont make them back, either they are not interested... or they need to step up their game, and untill then they are not worth my time.

2: NO MORE PITTY PARTYS... THEY MAKE ME TIRED, DEPRESSED, AND EXTREAMLY UNHAPPY.

3: Harris is fucking gorgeous, and when he sings i get very hot and bothered...boys who sing are "food to my eyes" as brittany would say...

4: I need alot of canvas and paint to occupy myself.

5: I have to find something other to do on weekends, than to sit at home and listen to something corporate... although i love them, its come to the point where i like shut myself in my room and lay in the dark for hours on end being depressed because their music is just like that...HARD CORE EMO, I KNOW.

6: Tennis is a lost cause, and it bores me...

7: I am beyond lazy.

8: I've desided the Gov's Institute this summer accutally might be apealing...

9: I am wicked sad that i have to turn down california this summer, along with warped tour...

10: I want a job. BAD.

11: I want a lover.

okay, enough...
Goodnight.
<3
Miss 'Amanda' Yuck Sticker.

I am stuck
by Amanda Marie Hallock

My foot is stuck between two rocks
I cannot pull loose
Without a loss
Carve out my chest
Leave me hollow
Or take one piece
Watch me wallow
In the darkness
Alone and drab
I’m leaving images
I used to have
From past to present
In one glance
Time is ticking
It’s running out
Watch me stumble all around
A new path
A new ground
My foot is stuck between two rocks
But I cannot pull loose
Without a loss

"watch me flex my ass!" -Brittany
(looks at brittany's ass and starts cracking up uncontrollably in the womans restroom)-Me
"Ugh, watch watch!!"-Brittany
(laughing so hard i couldn't breathe)-Me
"hahaha you fucking sicko stop looking at my ass NOW!"-Brittany
(both run out of the restroom laughing so hard we are wet from tears)


I <3 Town!

it's been forev! yoiks! tonight is camando #2 night at miss cleary's house... yup that means war paint, a hole lot of fake wounds and army like crawling in mudd! sooooooo exciting!! :( saddly spider brittany will not beable to make it to have robot wars and spider web contests with me... but i suppose i'll manage *Starts balling* WHO AM I KIDDING?! I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT BRITTANY!!!!!!!! *squeels while crying and blows nose on sleve* tee hee


nighty night
<3 Amanda.

Well I saw you with your hands above your head
Spinning around, trying not to look down
But you did, and you fell, hard on the ground
Then you stumbled around for a good ten minutes
And I said I'd never seen anyone look so dumb before
And you laughed and said I still know how to turn you on though

You're the only one who
Drags me kicking and screaming through fast dreams
You're the only one who
Knows exactly what I mean

And I probably forgot to tell you this
Like that time I forgot to tell you about the scar
Remember how uncomfortable that made you feel?
See you're not what I expected
But you're the only one who knows how to handle me
And you're such a great kisser and I know that you agree

You're the only one who
Drags me kicking and screaming through fast dreams
You're the only one who
Knows exactly what I mean

I hope you can forgive me for that time
When I put my hand between your legs
And said it was small
'Cause its really not at all
I guess there's just a part of me that likes to bring you down
Just to keep you around
'Cause the day you realize how amazing you are
You're gonna leave me

You're the only one who
Holds my hair back when I'm drunk and get sick
You're the only one who
Knows exactly what I mean

You're the only one who
Drags me kicking and screaming through fast dreams
You're the only one who
Knows exactly what I mean

Exactly what I mean

Well I saw you with your hands above your head
Spinning around, trying not to look down
But you did, and you fell, hard on the ground

I'm feeling alot better.. everything is slowly but surly coming together, i'm coming together again.. Midnight sledding party tonight..:)

its time to move on and continue moving forward... tough days like monday sure do drain the soul alot though i must addmitt...

Today is the Aniversary of my fathers death...
i just had a complete melt down infrount of my mom
it was horrible (the worst yet)... i like had my hands over my face half of the time cuz i didnt want her to see me cry, but then i figured she's seen worse...i almost thought she might have started crying too...like her voice started to get shakey...I just completely burst with everything..from the people i go to school with to the guys i like...to my future and how much pressure it is to be thinking about college already and how scared everything is making me.. or how much she yells and pushes me to keep going in school..or...how much i miss my dad, and everything about him that i didn't get to know... its just stressful thinking about everything...like if he hadn't have gotten sick than i could have a different life maybe a life far from where i'm at...Joe called me around 6:30 tonight and wanted to know if i would go to a basketball game with him, and i told him id get back to him... and then all this happened so i left him a message on his cell simply saying i'd like to stay in tonight...but most sincerly thanks for asking me...its funny.. one day i'm great, the next day i'm alright, and day after i wish hadn't even begun... I just have so much anger in me... like why do we all believe in god if god is the creator of such unhappiness...i'm so gone right now.. like i cant think a thought that is sane.. i feel so crazy...and torn.. like my pain bubbles to the serface just to burn my face with tears... i shouldn't be crying... days like this i should be just as upbeat as anyother day... nothing different...right?

i dont know anymore.

Joe gave kym his number and asked her to give it to me... and now as it rests in my hand i'm questioning everything... should i call..? should i call tonight? what will i say? what if this isnt one of my week flings? what if after a while this phone call leads to a realationship... what if i make a mistake? what if....

*I take a deep breath*
sometimes you just have to take a risk and live a little...

well i've been hangin out with kym lillie all weekend having just a smashing time... i think she may be stopping by l8r this evening to chill with me again... and of course it will be fun... I saw this really adorable 18 year old feller... kyms gonna put me in a good word yo...

i drew travis a pretty picture of the devil on the computer... and the devil was taking a piss and writing tavis's name with it.. and then i signed it and sent it to him with lots of love :)yey!

I stumbled across a good ol song a friend of mine sent to me like 2 years ago.. woo talk about squeezing my heart like a destresser... "I'm never gonna know you now, but im a gonna love you any how.."

Last night i was having a really shitty time dealing with alot of stuff that kept crawling out of their graves.. one being my mothers yaking mouth that wrestled me to the ground screaming cheeply written insults concerning my future and draw for school in my ears... and 2 the grade reports that i saw slowly going down the tubes in math, while i tried like mad to bring my bio grade up...the balence doesn't seem to work well.. but anyhow.. after a short break down and a ton of black maskara running down my cheeks i recived a phone call from Ryan who had read my message online, and wanted me to talk to his brother thinking that he would make me feel much better. Indeed Ryan was right, although he interupted my shower and i stood cold in a towel on the phone for 10 mins, Travis new just how to be there for me within those few mins... and even though Travis and I are not together we have a more meaningful relationship as friends supporting eachother and i will never forget the night when i felt alright after a melt down just because of a simple phone call...


I ran a mile on the tred afterschool and broke a sweat, yea i'm most deff out of shape...

I have a serious craving to paint or be artistic...
you make my heart go THUMP THUMP!
<Amanda3

"This diverse reaction makes a sharp contraction, snaps back into acting a villain in action, fucked with agony, skins of ebony, close eyes breathin’ heavily... paper scratched tears minds of times these children can't die, an artificial creation; kiss the nation, flags of objection flew a true connection... a catalogue of perfection, Jesus expected, days bring trauma its flavor elected. mature into pedophilia, rape this schizophrenia, decide if you want it from the ground up or media, choose carefully its the basic art: rock it in silence, create the time: a root of a story, he cries to the sky, spread your literature make love and get high.. concrete is your bible the city your store, his voice cracks with apathy he wants nothing more- step off my sidewalk onto my street, traffic so yellow the voices don't speak."


"Sex is pain, drug makes rape, rock makes hate I can't escape; tie the time, tighter the kind, I can't describe your peeling inside, I know your pride for you lied about happiness, love inscribe my soul with your insanity.. We debate your apprenticeship with elite penmanship; question the participation of the ugly ones... Can I deal you ask? that moment has passed, he shall come when the academy releases portfolios of our childhoods, laying a trail of Polaroid’s to examine in a breathtaking odyssey, I will release you with this fascist sin, so keep still and enjoy the thrill, I’ll meet admits the skyline with the posse of prestigious leaders of Our America.."



Amazing writing pieces by darling susie sexface :)
talk about make my night!
yey!

the plan is to drag totally ass this morning and sleep in and wonder around the house in pj's untill like 11... then get ready to go to the chelsonator's tree house and have a fun time with C.C.C., tess, brittany....and maybe tyler.. :) yey

Last night was one of the funnest fridays in i do believe...lol

I've been thinkin, these good memories are totally making me smile. i love having them.. they are food to my soul... they are not like any plain memories, they the ones i stay up at night replaying in my mind... while i taste and feel every moment i expierianced and lay dreaming of exactly how i felt, and exactly what i smelt, and where i was, and everything beautiful.. there is nothing in the world i would trade for the memories i have ingraved in my mind.. nothing compairs to the depth and perfection of the world in these moments... cheers to many more for we are young and experiancing the impossible.